Sermon, Psalm 82

This sermon is the second of three I delivered in the summer of 2024. I was happy with everything except for the title. I should have called it "Ignore the Little Gods." The video for my sermon starts at about 23 minutes. I will note that my stated goal was for the sermon to last 20 minutes, and my final time was about half an hour. But hey, on YouTube you can speed up the playback. Feel free to do so, or to not listen at all. 

As usual, the actual sermon I delivered on the day was a little different from this manuscript. Losing my place in the reading, responding to the energy of the congregation, and just plain misspeaking are the main culprits. Finding the differences between the manuscript and the video recording I leave as an exercise for you, dear reader. 

Psalm 82: The Obstacles in Front of Us

Robert Sack July 28^th, 2024

Holy Joy English Worship Service

God has taken his place in the divine council;

in the midst of the gods he holds judgment:

“How long will you judge unjustly

and show partiality to the wicked? Selah

Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;

maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.

Rescue the weak and the needy;

deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”

They have neither knowledge nor understanding,

they walk about in darkness;

all the foundations of the earth are shaken.

I said, “You are gods,

sons of the Most High, all of you;

nevertheless, like men you shall die,

and fall like any prince.”

Arise, O God, judge the earth;

for you shall inherit all the nations!        Psalm 82:1-8

Prayer

God who gives justice, Spirit who gives life, Jesus who gives salvation, bring your gifts to us your people, amen.

Introduction

When Frank and I decided to preach a series on the Psalms, Psalm 82 was not on my radar at all. It came up in one of my daily devotionals, and it immediately got my attention because of the following:

1. To modern eyes and ears, it is weird. Like, really weird. This “divine council” sounds like Greek mythology, with Zeus and Hera and Poseidon and all the other gods sitting around in togas talking about whatever gods talk about.

2. It’s also kind of cool. Like they could have snuck some of this into a Marvel movie and no one would have noticed.

3. Honestly, I didn’t understand this psalm after reading it just once. Or twice. On my own, it was just too confusing, like one of those puzzle boxes where you need to know the trick for opening it. I needed help to get through this one.

4. Since when do we believe that other gods exist? How do we deal with Our God talking to other gods when we believe that Our God is the only god?

5. How is this relevant to us today? Again, It feels old and weird and mythical, not connected to modern life at all.

To some people, these would be reasons to avoid talking about a passage of scripture. But I like unlocking a tricky door, especially if I can bring a bunch of friends through it with me. One of my goals today is to connect your life directly to this weird, old song. I’m going to start with a little direct interpretation by translation.

Translation

My first translation trick will be choosing different words. Words that are easier for us to understand. You can already find many different translations of this Psalm, online or in books. I am just taking what I like from them and trying to make the ideas clearer for us. It’s not my goal to replace the words of the Bible, but to help us to understand them better.

My second translation trick will be assigning the words to different physical characters, so it’s easier for us to see who is talking, and to whom they are speaking. Psalm 82 has three characters. The first character is a narrator who helps to explain what is happening. I will be the narrator. The second character is God. Igor has graciously agreed to help me out by reading the part of God. This was a big thing to ask, and I am very grateful to him. Thank you, Igor. The third part in Psalm 82 is the gods of the divine council. These gods never speak. You, the congregation, will play that part. Your only job is to be silent, as God speaks to you. Just like in the psalm. So, let’s begin:

Narrator: Your attention, please. The LORD has called for a trial! The LORD will be judging… the gods of the Divine Council. The LORD is about to speak!

God: [to congregation] Listen up, you “gods”: How long will you judge without justice, and do favors for the wicked?

[waits silently]

Your job is to give justice to the weak, to care for orphans, to protect the victims and the poor, to help those in need, to save them from the wicked! So do it!

God: [to Narrator] I called them gods, but like people, they shall die. Every power on Earth comes to an end. They will also come to an end.

Narrator: Do it, God! Judge them and judge the Earth! The whole world belongs to you!

It really helped me to understand Psalm 82 when I visualized it, and I hope that it helps you as well.

Vocabulary: “little gods”

I don’t want to go too far into the weeds on the word “God” today, so I’ll keep this short. “God” in verse one, is sometimes translated as “The LORD” in all capital letters, which means Yahweh, I AM. I will use “The LORD,” in this sermon to refer to the God who we usually talk about in church. I have decided to refer to the gods of this Divine Council as “little gods,” to distinguish them from The LORD. “Little” reflects both the spelling, which you can’t hear, and The LORD’s judgment on them.

Worship

The very idea of “little gods” brings us naturally to my biggest question: why does Psalm 82 talk about these other gods, when we believe that The LORD is the one and only true God? One answer, (and I believe there is more than one answer to this question), one answer lies in worship. Not just “worship” in the sense of a worship service, like this one, but something simpler.

By “worship,” I mean spending time and resources on things that we don’t need to survive. We consider some things more important than others. We even build our lives around some of them. The list of things that humans worship is long and varied. It includes entertainment, pleasure, family, friends, power over others, perfection, comfort, beauty, social status, and sometimes even The Lord. Nobody can worship just one thing. We divide our worship among this and that, mixing different targets.

Some things we worship as individuals, and some things we worship together, in groups. We will have to talk about individual worship some other time. Once again, my goal is to keep this under 20 minutes, and Psalm 82 is really about collective worship.

A Note on Psalms

I’ve talked about this before, but I want to remind you that a Psalm is a song, and a song is a kind of poem. Poems use imagery, which we all saw earlier. Images in a poem often stand in for other things, and invite interpretation. Which is what I am doing now.

Collective Worship

I believe that these “little gods” are some of the things that society worships collectively. In other words, a large number of people believe and focus on them. A society can collectively worship “freedom,” or “creativity,” or “loyalty,” or “control.” Or even K-Pop! Another word for this collective worship is culture! For example, Americans worship “Independence,” so much so that we have a holiday in July named after it that we celebrate with explosions!

These Little gods are not inherently bad, until they receive too much power. The little god “freedom” does not automatically make trouble. But when “freedom” has too much power, its worshipers refuse to wear face masks during a pandemic. Then “freedom” is walking around in the dark, causing chaos. I love the little god “creativity” and often give my time and resources to it. But when the worshipers of “creativity” make up stories that incite violence against a group of people, then the little god creativity is shaking the foundations of the earth.

The “foundations of the earth” in verse 5 of this poem are not the land on which we build our cities. The true foundations are The Lord’s values: Justice and Peace. In Psalm 82, The LORD is judging the little gods based on how the weakest people in society are treated.

Bad little gods

Any of the little gods can get out of control, but some of the little gods are born troublemakers. People do judge others without justice. People do give favor to the wicked. But why? What drives this kind of injustice? What makes people help a bad person and punish a good person? Why would we say that someone who hurts other people is a good person?

In Biblical (and modern) times, injustice is often driven by greed: a wicked person with money can hire the best lawyers, drag out trials, and avoid spending time in jail, while poor people can be thrown in jail for not paying a fine. In other words, we punish people for being poor. This is the behavior that The LORD is scolding in verse 2.

Let me share a more complicated, modern example. I am reading a book, called “Stolen Focus,” about why people today, like you and me, have so much trouble thinking and interacting with each other.

One reason that people have gotten worse at social interactions is because of our favorite social media companies. There is a company that hosts videos for free, on which you may be watching this sermon. When they suggest the next video for you to watch, they use algorithms. These algorithms do not think, they just notice what makes people stay on the website or in the app. Do you know what kind of videos make most people stay longer? Videos that make you angry or afraid. Fear and anger make most people want to watch more.

There are social media sites that let you share your personal news with others. If you do not search for specific news, guess what they show you? That’s right, news that makes you upset. Because when you are upset, you stay.

The owners and programmers know that these algorithms are not good for our mental health. They know that their products are tearing society apart, distracting people from positive parts of their lives, and making them believe lies. They are shaking the foundations of the world. Ask the owners and programmers if they allow their children free access to social media. They don’t. They know that they are pouring poison into the well of society.

Why do they do it? Why do we let them do it? Why do we reward them by using their apps, investing in their stocks, and not making laws to cut off the poison at its source?

The answer is simple: Because they make money. They make lots of money. Advertisers know that if they sell ads on these platforms, they will bring in piles of money. People use these platforms because they are free, so they save money. New laws are passed or shot down depending on who spends the most money. Money is the little god at the center of this, and many other problems. Money has become a powerful little god, and it is hurting everyone. Everyone except the people who have a lot of money, that is.

Of course, money is not the only bad little god in our world. Fear, prejudice, popularity, control. I’m sure you can think of others.

God’s Judgment

But there is good news: The LORD has judged these little gods, and condemned them to death. The world was founded on Wisdom, and these little gods have neither knowledge nor understanding. The world began with Light, and these little gods are walking about in darkness, shaking the foundations of the world. The LORD will not tolerate it. The trouble that humans have made for themselves will not last forever. On the other hand, God has not yet wiped them out. We are still dealing with these little gods today.

So what hope do we have for the present? What can we do right now? I believe that the answer is in the word we use to describe ourselves. What religion are we?

The Witness of Jesus

What does the word “Christian” mean to you? The dictionary says a Christian is someone who believes the teachings of Jesus. Which is okay, I guess. But the original Greek word, Christianos, means someone who follows the messiah. Not just someone who believes that Jesus was really cool and awesome, but someone who follows Jesus, trying to do what Jesus did, the way that Jesus did it.

Jesus is The LORD’s demonstration of how a god walks the earth properly. Jesus did not stumble around blindly, leaving a trail of broken people behind him. Jesus followed the trail of broken people left by the little gods. His eyes were open to the pain and suffering of humans, and he was moved by it. When Jesus saw pain, he brought healing. When Jesus saw hunger, he gave bread. And when Jesus saw people who were being crushed by the weight of their sins, he forgave them.

You know, Jesus actually quotes Psalm 82 when the Pharisees accuse him of blasphemy, for claiming to be the son of God. I believe that Jesus is taking his place as a proper role model, showing what it means to walk the earth in peace.

Don’t forget what Jesus said from the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” We don’t realize that we are creating and maintaining these little gods. Little gods that can, and do, crush us.

Our Choices

The little gods are doomed. The LORD will surely prevail. In the meantime, we are caught in the middle, between the chaos that we have created, and a savior that we don’t deserve. We do have a choice, though: to side with The LORD, or to embrace the little gods that we have created.

My family has tried to live without worshiping this little god, money. It is hard. It has caused us problems. It is causing us problems now.

As a society, we rarely stop to ask some very important questions: Why is money more important than happiness, health, and safety? Why does our society believe that money is more important? Why do so many people agree to push our children so hard to get into the best schools, so that they can get the best jobs, so that they can have the best lives; even though most people agree that justice and mercy, kindness and humility, are worth more than money?

Standing with The LORD in opposition to the little gods will cost you. It may cost you friends, money, or reputation. Just remember that The LORD has already declared victory over the little gods.

Conclusion

At first glance, Psalm 82 looks like nothing more than an irrelevant, old, mythical play. It is old, and it is mythical, but it is anything but irrelevant to us today. It gives us the language and framework to better understand the struggle for the world that we are living in.

You may have noticed that Psalm 82 is written in the present tense, as though the action were happening right now. Right now as in when the Psalmist wrote it, but also right now as in July of 2024! The kingdom of Heaven is at hand! The psalmist saw it and proclaimed it, and we also see it and proclaim it!

The little gods of ancient Israel are not that different from our little gods today. We make, give power, and bow down to these little gods by agreeing together that we will not examine them too closely. We all get behind Aaron and his story about the golden calf walking out of the fire on its own. We collectively buy into the lie that the way things are is just the way they have to be.

The little gods will not prevail, because Our God, The LORD, the great I AM, has told us that they will fall. The question for you is, will you cling to the little gods as they are being destroyed? Or will you live as though they were already gone?

Prayer

Lord, the victory is yours. We can neither help you nor stop you. Give us the wisdom and strength to turn away from the little gods. Open our eyes to see the beauty in you. Open our hearts to feel the pleasure of your love. Open our hands to share your love with those around us. Amen.

Sermon, Psalm 78

Here is my latest project, the first of three sermons I will be delivering this summer.

The sermon itself is about 30 minutes long, and starts only a minute or so into the video. In the church service, I played my euphonium with the praise team, and there were prayers and other stuff. I enjoy playing my horn during church, but I think it's just a bit too much to do it on Sundays when I am preaching. It wasn't too stressful, but it did not leave time for me to talk to people before the service.

Here is my manuscript. There's a little adlibbing in the recording, but the main ideas stick pretty closely to the script.

The Path Behind Us: Psalm 78

July 14th, 2024

Ttangkkeut Church Holy Joy English Service

Introduction

When Frank and I decided to do a series on Psalms, I already had this one in mind: Psalm 78. The first two verses were memory verses at my previous church, and I took delight in memorizing them:

Give ear, O my people, to my teaching;

incline your ears to the words of my mouth!

I will open my mouth in a parable;

I will utter dark sayings from of old…

I love words in general. Nothing makes me quite as happy as expressing an idea as perfectly as possible, introducing my thoughts into your mind using nothing more than these clumsy sounds that come out of my mouth, or a combination of letters on a page.

I also love it when someone else does the same thing. I love reading, and can easily be taken to far places and times by words on the page. And these words from our scripture today, words about words, about ”dark sayings from of old,” and inclining your ears… I found them almost magical. An invitation to visit a world very different from our own.

So I have had Psalm 78 in mind for a long time. I even set out to memorize the whole thing. I got a little more than halfway through before giving it up in favor of just being able to read it on my phone whenever I want to. This is an enormous privilege, which all of us share. However, for most of history, people have not had easy, immediate access to the words of the Bible. Which leads us to the purpose of Psalm 78.

On the Path

The first commentary I looked at told me what I already knew: this is a history Psalm. (The second commentary basically said, “No, it isn’t!” but I’m trying to keep this sermon under 20 minutes. Maybe next time.) In a time when most people were not literate, stories and songs were the best way to share history and identity. For people to know who they were. You couldn’t take home a history book, much less look up things on the internet. What you could do was sing along with everyone, the way we sing together here. In fact, our singing today also helps us to know who we are:

“In His Time,” a reminder of God’s patience.

“Here is Love,” a reminder of God’s love.

“Here I Am, Lord,” a reminder that we are called to action, and

“I Love to Tell the Story,” a reminder that stories like Psalm 78 are at the heart of who we are: God’s People.

Sometimes all we need is a small reminder, a sign, but in the long run, we need to hear stories about how other people connect with God.

To be clear, if you are sitting here in church today, or watching on YouTube, or reading my words, there is a path that brought you here. That path is a testament to the faith of God, just as Psalm 78 is. In fact, to some people, your path will mean more than this path from 3000 years ago. For someone who does not already trust the Bible, your path will be a believable testimony, because you are standing right there, talking about what you have experienced. And of course, part of your experience will be with the Bible itself, and learning to trust it. Learning to see that you and I are on the same path that Israel was on so many, many years ago.

The Meaning of Parable

So Psalm 78 is a “History” Psalm, a partial map of how God literally traveled with Israel. It is important to remember that history is never just a list of facts or events. The point of history, especially in pre-modern times, was to form identity. To send a message. Maybe more than one. Therefore we know that the Psalmist has chosen the events of this song carefully. 

I want to draw your attention to the words “parable” and “dark sayings.” There is some disagreement as to what exactly these words mean, but most scholars agree that it has something to do with wisdom, and parables often hide wisdom in stories. The wisdom of Psalm 78 is not spelled out for us, but we can be sure that something is there. We are forced to work to find meaning in this story. 

Or maybe one of us works for it, then shares his ideas with everyone. Maybe standing in front of a group of people on a Sunday afternoon. In other words, if you read Psalm 78 as I asked you to do, and saw little more than a short version of Exodus and a hint of Joshua and Samuel, you are not alone. But in boiling all this history down to a handful of scenes, the Psalmist calls our attention to some important lessons.

God’s Mercy at Work

When I say a handful of scenes, I mean about 15, not including the introduction. I divided Psalm 78 into scenes so that almost every scene has just one action. And there are really only two actors in this drama: God, and God’s People, Israel. King David and Egypt are mentioned, but Egypt is just a memory, and David is more of a promise at the end. 

So 15 scenes. As I summarized each scene, it struck me that each could be put into one of three categories, with only slight variation in detail.

1. The People Rebel against God. They disobey God (9-11), they test God by doubting out loud that God will give them what they need (17-20), they do not seek God (32-37), they grieve and provoke God (40-41), and they turn away from God, worshiping idols (56-58). Five scenes in total.

2. God gets angry. First, he is full of wrath and a fire is kindled, but God does not act on this anger. (21-22) The second time, he kills “the strongest of them.” His anger goes out, but not to all of the people. The third time is a memory of the plagues that God delivered on Egypt, which the people had forgotten. I did not count the forgetting as one of their rebellions, but I could have. The last anger of God in Psalm 78 is in response to their idols, when God abandoned his dwelling place at Shiloh and his people. This is the messy time before Saul becomes King. (59-64) Altogether God’s anger is expressed in four scenes.

3. God shows mercy and gives grace in seven scenes. God establishes the nation of Israel (5-7). God leads the people out of Egypt, parts the Red Sea, manifests as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and gives them water in the desert (12-16). God gave them food abundantly (23-29). God atoned for them, and restrained his anger (38+39). God redeemed Israel from Egypt (42-51). God led the people to the Promised Land (52-55). God kicked out the invaders (65-66) and chose David to shepherd God’s flock (70-72).

Your count for God’s Grace may be different from mine, and that’s fine. Remember, I have a message as well. But it is clear to me that the psalmist is drawing our attention to the grace and mercy of God above all else. In this Psalm, the people never do right by God. They certainly do not earn God’s Grace and Mercy. The only thing that they do right is following God out of Egypt, but the emphasis in Psalm 78 is on God leading them out of Egypt.

The Affect on God

I believe that the Psalmist included God’s anger here in part to show the depth and breadth of God’s Grace. We all understand that it is much harder to be kind to someone you are angry at. The psalmist is showing that Israel was really getting on God’s nerves, which makes God’s patience all the more amazing. But the most moving part for me was verse 40.

How often they rebelled against him in the wilderness and grieved him in the desert!

They grieved God, as we so often do. Yes, it’s time to put ourselves where we belong in this story: grieving God in the wilderness.

God is Always Faithful

In my youth, I found the story of Israel’s behavior during and after the Exodus to be puzzling: How could they see God’s hand at work and still doubt? Let’s read together (verses 12-16):

In the sight of their fathers he performed wonders

    in the land of Egypt, in the fields of Zoan.

He divided the sea and let them pass through it,

    and made the waters stand like a heap.

In the daytime he led them with a cloud,

    and all the night with a fiery light.

He split rocks in the wilderness

    and gave them drink abundantly as from the deep.

He made streams come out of the rock

    and caused waters to flow down like rivers.

Walking across the bottom of the Red Sea! Water in the desert, enough for thousands of people and their animals to drink! Remember, they came out of Egypt, where water was the center of life! The Egyptians worshiped the Nile and structured their lives around its seasons. But now Israel is following a God who simply pushes the sea out of the way, and pulls life from rocks!

On top of that, God literally led them as a column of smoke by day and fire by night! Think about that: for most of the Bible, God is invisible. But for weeks God was directly in front of these people, leading them out of captivity by completely humiliating the most powerful nation of their time! But what is their response? (verses 17-20)

Yet they sinned still more against him,

    rebelling against the Most High in the desert.

They tested God in their heart

    by demanding the food they craved.

They spoke against God, saying,

    “Can God spread a table in the wilderness?

He struck the rock so that water gushed out

    and streams overflowed.

Can he also give bread

    or provide meat for his people?”

As a child, I did not understand this cynical attitude. Children easily believe that their parents can do anything, because their parents have already done everything for them. But as we get older, we see that our parents can’t do everything. We may even doubt that they can actually do anything.

We do this with God. Instead of focusing on what God has done for us, we list all the things that God has not done for us: a bigger apartment, a nicer car, a better job, children that behave perfectly. We forget that God has given us a place to live, the means to move around, work that sustains us, and a family to love.

I have not just seen this over and over, I have lived it. I have felt God’s love, grace and peace in my life, and later doubted. I have seen wonders in the desert, yet asked, “Can God make a way for me?” When there was sand in my shoes, and I had nothing to drink but water from a rock, and nothing to eat but the bread of heaven, I dared to look around and say, “If there really is a God, can’t he do better than this?”

And what is God’s response? (verses 38-39) Please read with me:

Yet he, being compassionate,

    atoned for their iniquity

    and did not destroy them;

he restrained his anger often

    and did not stir up all his wrath.

He remembered that they were but flesh,

    a wind that passes and comes not again.

Conclusion

Psalm 78 is an amazing poem, a window with a broad view of the story of God and humans. It reminds us that most stories involving God are anything but straightforward. Walter Brueggeman writes that, “In recital of memory there is hope for the future.” Psalm 78 reminds us of that hope. 

Though we can never fully appreciate the artistry and beauty of this song, we can appreciate, and take heart in, the themes: Whatever our failings, God is faithful. However often we turn away, God turns towards us. Even when we forget the works that God has done in our lives, God has not forgotten us. God remembers that we are but flesh, a wind that passes and comes not again.

 Remember your past. Remember the past of God’s people. Take hope. Amen.

So Many Firsts...

 I turned 54 years old this year, and I am still doing and experiencing new things. This should not be surprising, as my parents have led the way in doing new things in the past 20 years, including becoming involved in prison ministry, and many other things that are not my stories to tell.

But this year it has felt like the changes are dogpiling me, and it's going to get even more intense. I can't even get into all of it, but here are a few:

1. New learning management system (LMS). I've been on Google Classroom since Covid hit, with a little experience using Canvas many years before that. I was really leaning into GClass, but my university decided to drop it. So this semester I've been reacquainting myself with Canvas. It's certainly not a major change, but it does mean reconstructing a lot of tools that I had built for GClass.

2. For the past three weeks I have been experimenting with "flipping" my classroom. This will not require an extra-large spatula, or trampolines, and have not been using my middle fingers any more than usual. Instead, I am recording lectures that explain what I want students to do. They watch it as part of their homework, then do some writing to prepare for class. When they come to class, we can almost immediately start conversation exercises. My previous student talking time over two 50-minute periods per week was about 45%. This way I can push it up to around 90%. It's huge, but the prep on the video lecture is a bit rough. This is a fairly big change in mindset for me, and since I'm doing it mid-semester it's a big change for my students. Some of them hopped right on board this train, but some have dug in their heels. I may very well pay a penalty in poor student evaluations at the end of the semester for this move. Stress.

3. Last year I submitted a proposal for a new course which did not get approved. I am revamping it, and trying to make a course that will be acceptable. It's exciting, but it also falls into that "planning ahead" category which vexes me so easily. On it's own, not a big deal. Throw in a weird mental block on my part, and it is a struggle for me to not just give up on the idea and shred it to make confetti to throw at my pity party.

4. I did not max out my overtime this semester, but I'm one class short of doing so. I'm teaching nine classes with a total of about 190 students. For me that is a lot of people to deal with. Not a deal breaker on its own, but with everything else in my life this year, it's a handful of grit in the oil, just keeping track of all of those students and their assignments and their attendance and their excuses for not attending. At heart, teaching is an act of will, and even with cooperative partners, the more people you are teaching, the more willpower is required. And not all of my students are cooperating.

5. I have Mondays off from Kyungsung Universities. In the past, I've used my day off to catch up, plan, sometimes just chill out. But this year I am filling in as English teacher at the Waldorf school from which Maxine graduated and where Quinten is still attending. I teach four classes, 7th through 12th grades. The classes are not huge: the 9th and 10th grades together are my largest class at 15 students. Eleventh and 12th grades have a total of 10 students. Eighth grade has (I think) 10 and 7th grade has eight. So about 42 more students. They are fairly high energy, low ability, but also low fear and better able to focus than many of my university students, for Waldorf reasons.

6. I teach a small group of Waldorf school parents one evening a week, and attend band rehearsal on another. These insure that I am not getting enough sleep early in the week, so that I get to dose up on caffeine via my go-to beverage, the iced Americano. Which feels like it could be my nickname by the end of this year. We spend an hour working on their English, then they spend an hour working on my Korean, and it has made a huge difference for me! My Korean language skills have improved a lot in the past couple of years. 

No. That's not quite correct. I have improved my Korean a lot over the last couple of years. Which leads me to a new experience stemming from points five and six above:

Today was Teachers' Day in Korea, which is kind of a big deal. It's a government holiday, so I stayed home most of the day to get some work done. I could not attend the festivities at the Waldorf School to celebrate yesterday, but there was a local library fundraiser this evening at which I received a few cards. This year I received four cards, one each from a parent of one of the classes I teach. One was a beautiful, water-colored piece of cardstock with meticulous Korean writing on it. No envelope, so I noticed it right away and tried to read it.

Usually I breeze past messages in Korean that are longer than a sentence or two, but this one was directed at me, by a mother who I know, about her daughter, who has been doing very well in my class. I couldn't understand all of it, but I found that I was past a threshold that I did not previously realize existed: I could understand enough of the letter to get feelings from it. She told me that her daughter had been worried about having class with me and fitting in with the other kids (she went to a different school for a couple of years and just returned). The mother told me a little about what her daughter was doing in my class, which was very interesting to read, like hearing your own voice echo back out of a cave reshaped such that it might have been someone else calling out, but still recognizably my own.

I found myself moved to tears. It made me so happy that the student felt cared for, and that she shared it with her mother, who shared it with me. On top of all that, I was reading and understanding it in Korean!

As I said, it's been a stressful year, and it's only May. This letter was so refreshing, a reminder that what I do makes a difference. It's not always easy to see when you're in the trenches, so it's good to have a direct reminder from time to time. And it's the first time that I've ever been moved like this by a text written in Korean! So I am kind of proud of myself for that as well!

And now it is after 1 a.m., guaranteeing that I will not be quite at my best tomorrow. But I got this story written out before sleeping on it, topping off the whole experience with another little sense of accomplishment.

La La Land

Spoilers: I will be talking about the movie and soundtrack with no regard for saving you from spoilers. I highly recommend seeing La La Land if you like sad movies and musicals, and wish there were more musicals with the emotional wallop of Moulin Rouge. 

Not a spoiler: I started writing this morning, dictating to my phone, worked on it during breaks, and finished 1100 words by 4:30! (Plus 18 minutes of formatting work.)

It’s Monday morning and I’m walking to work. I’ve just finished listening to the Beatles’ album, “Let it Be,” and decided to go for something energetic and punchy, so I put on La La Land. As “Another Day of Sun” plays, I sing along loudly enough that people nearby look at me, but not so loudly that everyone on the street bursts into choreography.

But somehow, it is not making me cheerful. I can’t sing more than a few lines without getting choked up. “It’s another day of sun!” Why is that heartbreaking?

“And when they let you down,
you’ll get up off the ground,
‘cause morning comes around
and it’s another day of sun!”

I suddenly realized that La La Land is a musical about the Triumph of The Empire. In this case, The Empire of Entertainment. A machine that grinds up souls to make movies and television and pop stars and people who are referred to as “Talent.”

The phrase “It’s another day of sun!” is the sound of the Empire taking control, telling you that everything is not just okay, it’s great! The musical theme right after it goes up, then down again, a classic, full horn section big band playing their hearts out! The ending is triumphant, “It’s another day of sun!” as though all disappointments and chasing of stars and leaving love behind is a good thing. 

That theme comes back in “Someone in the Crowd,” subtle and quiet this time, whispering, seducing, then building to a melody on the prowl. The lyrics seem to be about people choosing a glamorous life, but it’s no more about a free choice than people in a Coke commercial, sharing a special moment over a bottle of sugar water and chemicals. The Empire is served when you keep your nose to the grindstone and tell yourself that maybe at the next random party you will meet the producer who is holding your future in his hands. The Empire is served when you get up off the ground after you've been knocked down, believing that it's all what you want, that it is worth any sacrifice. Give everything to The Empire and maybe you will be a star .

I don’t think I can unhear this. 

Mia and Sebastian have their own theme, a very human and endearing tune that flows like a fountain. Except that as it progresses, it adds discordant bits. By the end it feels more like falling down a staircase, which might be a foreshadowing of their breakup. As we go through the movie, their theme is revisited, reflecting the ups and downs of their relationship: Planetarium is a fantasy of falling in love. It could fit into a Studio Ghibli movie, visually as well as orchestrally. 

Before that Sebastian sings City of Stars. It is beautifully melancholy, a torch song from Seb to L.A. itself, The Empire. It’s like he knows she is bad for him, but he can’t resist. A love song from the oppressed to the oppressor. "Are you shining just for me?" he begs. Later Seb and Mia share the song. At first glance, it's a love song between the two of them, but it’s actually more like two addicts discussing the sublimities of heroin. It’s a hint that they are both looking for the same thing, and it isn’t each other. They just happen to be in tune at the moment.

“We Can Start a Fire” is an odd song on the soundtrack by the legendary John Legend. He’s an amazing songwriter and performer, and in La La Land he is the Herald of The Empire: he brings temptation to Seb, the promise of money and fame, the opportunity to use his musical talents in an amazing way in front of thousands of people. The only price for Seb is leaving Mia, and setting aside his longtime dream of Seb’s Place. 

Mia sings Audition (The Fools Who Dream), about her aunt who went to Paris: a fool who moves far away, breaks hearts and makes messes. She tumbled into the Seine and got sick, but it was all worth it. Her aunt dreams big and dies an alcoholic. She was an artist who made the world a better place. Surely The Empire has no need of a story like that, right? Mia wouldn’t make a choice like that, right? 

Mia and Seb both choose their dreams over each other, the dreams handed down by The Empire. And because the story is told by The Empire itself, their dreams come true: Seb gets his jazz bar, and Mia gets her career.

But they don’t get each other. Which is startlingly honest for The Empire. It is just subversive enough for me to love it. And frankly speaking, the music is so captivatingly good that I took my wife to see it in the theater based on the videos I linked to in this piece, and probably just two or three of them. The last scene of the movie is “Epilogue,” which is a musical video summary of the whole story the way The Empire would have told it, with a literal Hollywood ending. In other words, it’s the dream version of what is already a dream ending.

La La Land knocked me out the first time I saw it, and it continues to move me. I am almost at 1,000 words here, but the ideas and feelings tied up in this movie and its songs are so rich that I managed to start and finish this post before 5:00 on the day I started writing it. I will admit that I may have been a bit distracted during a couple of my classes, and may have ranted to one or two of them about how they really need to see La La Land. Just as I am about to rant to you.

If you haven’t seen La La Land yet, I highly recommend it. I barely touched on the visuals, and it is gorgeous. I didn’t hit all the songs, and they are all good. The chemistry between Sebastian and Mia feels real, and the humor feels real. And when it starts to fall apart, that feels real, too. You don’t get that kind of authenticity much in movies, and even less so in musicals. 

A Maxine Story

Today I had a one-on-one lesson with a middle school girl who I have been teaching for a couple of years. I have been pushing her to ask questions in general, and at the end of our hour I told her to ask me three questions, any topic.

She asked what I would do after our lesson. (Go home, prepare some dinner for Quinten, as Maxine and Horyon would be out.)

She asked another question, which I cannot remember.

Then she asked if anything special had happened to me. I pointed out that at 53 years old, I have had many, many special experiences, so she added, "recently."

I thought for a moment, then shared this with her:

Maxine's project is this weekend. She has been sleeping only three or four hours a night, staying late at school, and seriously stressing out. This morning, after her mother and brother had left, she came to me and said, "I'm sorry, Daddy. I really wanted to do my project in Korean and English, so that you could understand it. I just can't."

I was very quick to forgive her, and tell her that I hoped she would not worry about it. She promised to tell me all about her project afterwards, we hugged, and I told her I was proud of her.

I told this little story to my student, and as I was telling her, I got choked up. She was horrified that might be crying, told me, "Don't do that!" So I took a few breaths and refocused. Then she asked me why I was crying. I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue and explained to her, "So many feelings at the same time: happy, and sad, and proud. It was too much."

I decided that damage control was in order, which usually means teacher mode. I told her that special moments happen more often than we realize, but we don't notice. When we pay attention, we see that people are amazing, and that your life is better when you look out for them. 

Then I jokingly made her promise not to tell anyone, and was soon on my way home.

I found my own reaction to my story a bit puzzling. It certainly didn't hit me that hard as it was happening, nor immediately afterward. It was only as I was telling it that it had an emotional impact on me. On my way home, I had a few thoughts:

First, Maxine's days of living with us are numbered, almost certainly fewer than she has already spent living with us. I will miss her big time, even though she has spent most of the past year sealed into her room, or out studying with friends, or meeting her (second) boyfriend. She has a delightfully sarcastic sense of humor, as well as a fair streak of ridiculousness: she is the only other person our home who gets some of my jokes. These moments of connection will still happen, I'm sure, but once she has moved out there will be fewer opportunities for them.

Second, it was very touching that she wanted to include me, and felt bad at not being able to. It was like seeing myself in a mirror, hearing her say that she had not planned well enough to include me. I cannot count how many times in my life I have set out with good intentions, only to arrive at Port Disappoint Everyone.* I suppose that every parent sees their own biggest flaws embodied in their children at times. Maxine was counting down the hours until the biggest production of her life,** but she felt bad because it wasn't perfect. Her blend of caring and poor planning and sincerity and love was such a perfect reflection of myself, for such a brief moment, and I didn't even realize it until someone asked.

*I know that I also do some things right, but the times I disappoint others and myself stick out in my mind.

**Which, by the way, she knocked out of the park.

Third, I need to figure out what's going on in my heart that such a simple question can bring on such a flood of emotion. That is most definitely another post for another day. Especially considering that it took me a month to wrap this one up!

Why I love my job...

 I am very fortunate to love my job. I do not love every part of it, of course. As my Dad always said, "If it was easy, they wouldn't call it work." I am not fond of grading papers and record keeping. I hate assigning grades to students, it feels too much like a judgement on who they are, though it is supposed to be a judgement of what they have done. Sartre says that man is "... nothing else but the sum of his actions," , and he's a pretty clever fellow. I'm not sure that I agree with him. After all, we don't judge a baby by its accomplishments, and we should be quick to forgive people for their mistakes. But I need to move on before I give myself a philosophy headache. I'm not here to talk about the things I don't like about my job, but to share a specific instance of something I do like.

My favorite class is Building Relationships in English, a course of my own design. At the end of the semester, I almost always ask the students to tell me something they have learned in my class, and how it has changed, or will change, their life. Sometimes it's an exam question, sometimes an interview, and sometimes just a course survey.

This year one student submitted an answer that blew me away. In fact, it made me cry the first time I read it. And the second. Be warned, grab a tissue. My student wrote:

I learned everyone needs to be loved. I thought loving is only for people who have enough money and time. I thought being loved is too big thing for me to feel. I was not ready to be loved. So i avoided to be loved by someone who says they like me or even my family.

But everyone needs to be loved because love heals. Now I know that I deserve to be loved. So I will be able to open my mind to people who like me and accept the love. Then I can have people loving around me. I will also give love to people who I love to heal them by loving.

How to Leave a Church pt. 4

My friend Rick keeps asking me, "Why is it so hard for you to leave RICC behind?" And by "keeps asking" I mean that he has been asking me for years. But now the question feels a lot more pointed, and the answer has become more complicated.

Rick and I share a lot of theology, and I've learned a lot from him about God and the history of Christianity. He and I started having conversations about The Church and God and other stuff more than 20 years ago. We took a break for about ten years, then picked right up again as though we had never left off. We have helped each other through some hard times, and I am very pleased to have him as a friend.

For years my parents suggested that maybe I should consider leaving RICC, though they have only visited a handful of times. Granted, they have only heard my side of the story, but they have heard it in almost as much detail as Rick has. 

My parents and I also share a lot of theology, which is not always the case with parents and children. It's good to find that I still like my parents, and can discuss religion and politics with them when I know so many people who have to avoid these topics.

My friend Tim told me to go back, but that was in order to practice forgiveness. He was all in favor of me shaking the figurative dust off of my sandals.

Today (February 7th, 2023) I talked with a former pastor of my home church, First Christian Church, Leavenworth, Kansas. Lynn was never my pastor, but I had met him and heard him preach a few times. I sent him the first two Roblog posts about how to leave a church, but had not talked about it with him at all (though my parents had). My Dad suggested that he might be able to offer me some insight into my situation, and perhaps help me see a path moving forward.

We met at Harbor Lights Coffee Shop in beautiful downtown Leavenworth, Kansas. Once we had our drinks (chai latte for me, smoothy for him), he wasted no time in saying, "I don't understand why you are still with this church. They refuse to allow you to practice your gifts, and are likely afraid of your theology. You do not owe them anything." 

With that, something clicked, and I felt release. Freedom. Forgiveness. Grace. People had been telling me the same thing. People I know and trust. But this time it was different. I asked him why he thought that was, and he told me it was most likely an issue of timing. I've been here a little over three weeks, with only eight days left. I've been attending my home church and Sunday School. I preached the second Sunday we were here, and it was different than the past seven years of preaching under RICC.

I use the word "under" deliberately. Under a thumb. Under harsh scrutiny. Under surveillance. I always felt exhausted after preaching there: wrung out, like a sponge. I thought that that was normal for preaching, because it was. It was my normal. But when I preached at Leavenworth First Christian Church, it left me energized! Before I had thought that it made sense: it is important work, and we should be focused on it, and it should be much more than a lecture in a classroom, so of course it should be tiring. 

But preaching here, it was like a conversation with the congregation about God! I watched the video, and my delivery was far from perfect. I stumbled over phrases, got some bits wrong, messed up the accents, and drank water like a marathon runner. But it connected, and maybe that wasn't in spite of the imperfections. Maybe it worked because I could let the imperfections happen!

At RICC I always felt that I was on trial while preaching, with a focus on making no mistakes, on having correct theology above all else. I was required to submit every single one of my 18 sermon manuscripts four or five days before delivering them. I received nit-picky, controlling feedback and had errors pointed out that I would never, ever have dared to point out in their preaching. Because at RICC if you are not a top dog, you keep in your damn place.

(That's it, Firebrand. You get one paragraph, that's all. Now go get a drink of water and calm down.)

(I actually did go get a drink of water! But two days later Firebrand convinced me to add the following example paragraph.)

My first sermon at RICC, back in 2017, was on Ephesians 4:7-10 (That's a link to the Roblog post, which includes a YouTube link. I'm guessing that once the current leadership reads this, they will take down all of my other sermons, but this one is on my personal account, so it stays.) Behind the scene is a story that I have not shared with many people, because I did not want to reflect poorly on my church. I do not tell this story now with the intention of making them look bad, but to illustrate some of the differences in how we thought about and did church. 

I was assigned the scripture six weeks in advance of the sermon, I workshopped it heavily with Rick for part of that time, and sent it to elder J on Tuesday of that week. (I tried to send it on Monday, but forgot to attach the file.) As I wrote this, I was not sure of the timing of the whole incident, so I went back into my email and looked up the exchange with elder J. Reading those emails again got Firebrand on his feet and ready to burn something down again.

I'm done with it. I let Firebrand take his shot, The Joker came in and made me laugh, and Bridge Builder is ready to work on something new. 

Encyclopedia Sack, however, is much like his namesake, Encyclopedia Brown. They don't rest until they have answers to their questions. And the question was, "Why was it so hard for me to let go of RICC?" (Remember? The first paragraph?) Here are the pieces of the answer that I have. They may not satisfy you, but as I write this (over the course of weeks), I find that I actually am satisfied.

1. My parents are still working at First Christian Church, where I grew up. Not working as in paid to work, but working to further the Kingdom of God through that church. They have had frustrations aplenty over the years, been through conflicts, members coming and going, a number of pastors, joys and sorrows. They are at the stage where they see more funerals than births, and they are becoming the literal elders of the church, as well as holding the title of elder (both of them! Female elder! Cue pearl clutching!) off and on over the years. They never gave up. I didn't want to give up, either. My father's motto is, "If you see something that needs to be done, call attention to it and then get started on it, whether or not anyone is working with you." (Hmm... Now that I think about it, that's kind of long for a motto. And yet, "Git 'er done" feels too short. Maybe he doesn't have a motto.) That's how I have always approached church, and I saw RICC as a church that needed a lot of work. 

1B. The Disciples of Christ  (the denomination of FCC Leavenworth) was created with the intention of ending denominations. The founders sincerely hoped that all Christians could come together to worship, maybe even becoming an ecumenical body of all people worshipping God. I like this goal, even though it does not seem humanly possible. 

2. Sunken cost fallacy. That's the one where after you have invested a lot of your time or other resources into something, you are reluctant to abandon it. I've known about this fallacy for years, and yet it was a huge influence in this major life decision, keeping me at RICC longer than I should have stayed.

3. Bridge Builder. That guy worked his figurative butt off. Took any acceptance of what I offered as a sign that they were starting to see things my way. Or that they would be open to my point of view at some time. Bridge Builder didn't realize that you can't build a bridge to people who are busy building walls.

4. Common Ground. RICC has some roots that I really respect. Their dedication to outreach, to supporting the Women's Hope Center (a home for pregnant women with no place to go), Remember Nhu (a group working to end sex trafficking in Southeast Asia), and Zeteo Missions (an orphanage in another Asian country that is not friendly to such organizations). A large part of RICC's budget goes right out into the world to do good. 

5. There are a lot of good people at RICC. People I enjoy being with, talking with, praying with, and serving with. At Leavenworth FCC I grew up singing, "The Church is not a building, the Church is not a steeple, the Church is not a resting place, the Church is the PEOPLE!" (emphasis mine). 

And of those people, some have always been children. Including mine. I laid low to protect my kids from the shame of being rejected. It was hard to let that habit go, even long after they moved to the Korean church where their grandparents have always gone.

Before my children left RICC (because there were no kids their age), there was a big crowd of kids, many of whom were in the family of the pastor and elders. Statistically speaking, when you have enough people, some of them grow up to find out that they are not heterosexual. The message coming out of RICC's pulpit with regards to homosexuality was not quite "abomination," but it was the kind of voice that drives people out of churches. And that's the best case scenario.

At worst, that attitude leads to conversion therapy, self-denial, self-harm, and suicide. If you haven't heard of conversion therapy, it is basically mentally and emotionally torturing homosexuals until they "pray the gay away." RICC never called for that step, or even endorsed it. We just alienated anyone with homosexual tendencies who walked through the door.

I imagined one of those children growing up to find that they didn't fit the mold that their parents, elders, and larger community insisted upon. I have heard far too many stories of the gay boy who jumps out of the 15th story window to escape his family and church. Of the gay girl who ends up living on the street. Of people who later in life must un-learn to hate themselves for who they are. I thought that maybe I could be the one voice in the crowd saying, "It's okay, God made you and God loves you, and I love you, too. We'll get through this together." BB loves movies like "Luca" from Pixar, where the kid who is different doesn't end up as a bloody smear on the street. (Spoiler alert, sort of? That the title character doesn't get stoned by a mob at the end is sort of a spoiler, I guess?)

It breaks my heart that I can't play that role as part of RICC. It twinges (not wracks) me with guilt that I never discussed that role with the leadership. It rouses Firebrand, but he's ready to move on, and knows that you need fire to build something strong.

6. Another character in Rob's Gallery played a part. I haven't introduce him in How to Leave a Church Part 2 or here, though you may have noticed him skulking around just off stage.

No one wants to talk about their Shame. Shame is quick to point out what everyone else is saying and doing. Shame is often found in the shadow of Imposter Syndrome, or in his pocket, or in the oily lies that he tells me.

Not shame at my thoughts or feelings, but shame at how I failed to act. How I failed to stand up for those who had less power than I did. I did not want the shame of being singled out as a heretic in this adopted family that RICC had become. 

7. Momentum and comfort always play a part in life. My life, anyway. I was comfortable at RICC, despite my issues. I was already serving and living with that community, and changing is HARD, y'all! I really wanted them to be more awesome! I really wanted them to be more accepting! I really wanted them to be more like Jesus! And I really didn't want to start over somewhere else.

As you can see from the date early in this post, it was four months in the making. Most of this one had a good chance to marinate, and I've rewritten bits of it three or four times. The last part, number 7, I added just now. If it feels a little unripe, that's because it's as green as can be. Fresh from my mind to whatever historical record the Roblog is.