How to Leave a Church pt. 5

[My apologies. I started writing this on April 19th, 2024, but when it headed into uncomfortable territory, I abandoned it. I am returning to it now, in January of 2025, so it is a mix of past and present. But then again, that's almost the definition of writing down your own story, isn't it?]

I had about eight week's notice to work on my latest sermon, which was a lot of time. This time the choice of scripture, John 4:5-15 (and up to 42), came to me through a podcast called "Almost Heretical". The co-host, Shelby Hanson, was talking about sharing this passage with some Muslim women. They instantly identified with the Samaritan woman at Jacob's well. They saw her not as a person who had made a series of bad choices, but as a victim of a male-dominated society in which a woman's perceived value stems from her "purity" and ability to have children. I was somewhat aware of this perspective, but I had to learn it from others. It was fascinating to me to hear of someone relating instantly and naturally to this Samaritan woman.

Of course, we have no way of knowing the details of the Samaritan woman's backstory. The passage does not present us with her past, her future, or even her name. In some respects, the story itself is quite dismissive of  this early, female, Samaritan evangelist. But the story is still beautiful, presenting us with a heavy sadness that is washed away by this man who understands God in a way that no one else does.

The perspective of the Muslim women was still kicking madly in my head (not just swimming around) when Rick brought up preaching after Easter. I immediately chose this passage, and started setting down ideas. I wrote a lot of bits that didn't end up in the sermon itself: some of them influenced it, but some of them just needed to get cleared out of the way, I guess. The very idea of this minority group (in America, anyway) illuminating my understanding of this story did not make it into the sermon. It simply didn't fit into the flow of the sermon itself this time. I am sure that this idea will fit into a later sermon.

But the idea of it, the idea of listening to someone who is usually ignored, of seeing someone who is usually unseen, that stayed. It became a central theme.

Since I started preaching at Holy Joy, I have found that the very act of preaching is different than what I had gotten used to. At RICC, preaching always left me tired. Exhausted, actually. I felt like a wrung-out sponge. I assumed this feeling was due to it not being my regular job, and not being well-practiced in giving of myself. I did notice that when I preached back in Leavenworth that it was not so exhausting. Still tiring, but not bone-weary tiring. Then last year I started preaching occasionally at Holy Joy when Rick was taking his rare sabbaticals. Every time I preached it was more chill than the time before. Right from the start I found that preaching didn't leave me empty. In fact, quite the opposite: afterwards I was ready to talk with people, happy to interact. More full than empty. 

Once again, I feel like an abuse victim who looks back on a horrible relationship and realizes that no, being treated that way was NOT normal. The constant scrutiny, the pressure to think and behave the same way as the elders. The condescending attitude towards any ideas that were not in line with their own.

The people at RICC were, and still are, wonderful. Caring, prayerful, ready to help. Even the leadership, in some ways. But the leaders seem to carry an absolute certainty that they understand God better than anyone else in the world. It made me nervous as hell to get up and talk to them about God, with my questions and uncertainties. I was constantly walking a line between being true to myself and the calling of the Holy Spirit, and trying very hard not to displease the elders. 

A former RICC pastor used to say that any compromise between pleasing God and pleasing people falls short of God. He didn't recognize the irony of making himself God's representative, deciding for God what was or was not pleasing to God. 

The pastor of RICC is leaving soon, and the founding elder left in the fall, passing the leadership on to people who they (and by implication God) approve of. Part of me that wishes I had held on until now, that maybe if I were still there I could influence the church leaders to be healthier, humbler, more honest about God.

And then I remember that I no longer have to take extensive notes to keep my mind from wandering during a formulaic, detail-cluttered sermon. I no longer have to hear the same people say with such absolute certainty what God approves of, and more importantly (or at least more vehemently) what God does not approve of. 

I do want the best for RICC, but I am no Jesus. That tiny taste of crucifixion they gave me was more than enough. I still worry for them, even though they clearly do not care about me. The church has no balance for the power of the elders: no oversight from outside, such as a denomination or diocese would have; no balance from the inside, as a congregational church would have. They do have congregational voting on important issues, such as elder selection, but the elders would never nominate someone with "wrong thinking" (such as myself), and every congregational vote goes in the direction that the elders indicate it should go. In one election after I left they proudly announced that the vote to reaffirm one of the elders was unanimous. As in there was not one vote against him. Does that sound healthy to you? Do a quick Google search on countries which have "unanimous" votes for president, you'll see what I mean. When the leaders decide who will be the next leaders, power is concentrated in the hands of a few men (certainly not women!) who have zero incentive to let go of it. When the bus is being driven by people with limited vision, those who do not get on board get thrown off. Or under.

Question: What is the difference between a church and a cult? 

Answer: "OUR group is a church, theirs is a cult." 

If you feel heat coming off of that last paragraph, it is the heat of a bridge burning. A bridge that could only have crossed back over if I had been willing to bow down to the self-proclaimed experts and promised not to share my "heretical" ideas. And hey, if I am wrong about that, and forgiveness is truly at the heart of their faith, they know where to find me.

Even now, I hesitate to publish. I really don't like conflict. I want to be a bridge builder, not a burner. But part of me needs to close off this chapter, even if it is opened again in the future. God has certainly worked bigger miracles in my life, much less in the history of the world. 

[This is where I got stalled in April. I have revised the previous stuff a bit, mostly to clarify my ideas. But everything after this comment is fresh, new 2025 stuff.]

It would not take a miracle for RICC to invite me back. It would require someone in the leadership to care enough, to have enough faith in me, to invite me back. In the end, Love itself is a kind of miracle, but RICC is not a church of miracles, but of works. Their track record so far does not inspire optimism. The founding elder reached out a couple of times to meet me, just to hear what I had to say. The first time we met he offered me a sort of apology, which could have been the beginning of reconciliation. But reconciliation requires effort on the part of the powerful. He did not reach out to me again until a couple of weeks before he left Korea. We planned a meeting, but I cancelled at the last minute. I was tired, we had recently moved in with my in-laws, and I could not imagine getting anything useful out of it. A former leader on his way out could not truly offer reconciliation, because he would not be there to continue the process.

The pastor is leaving soon, and has already handed the reigns to his successor. He had not reached out to me until very recently. Seeing a message from me stirred up my heart at first, but he was only offering to return a cold-brew coffee maker that I had given to him a few years ago. I considered taking it, but had given it to him in the first place because I was not using it enough to justify the space it took up. In addition, we are now sharing living and kitchen space, so it would just not make sense for me to take it. 

For a brief time I told myself a little story, that maybe it was his way of reaching out to me, an olive branch of sorts. Then I reminded myself that a pastor in the 2020s has access to emotional education, and that if this offer was actually a cover for a half-assed attempt at reconciliation from a lame-duck pastor (it was before he handed over the reigns, but not much before), then it was more likely to be an attempt to salve his own conscience. Perhaps now he rests easier, having "tried" and been rejected. 

Friends, he was not rejected. I know this, because the next day I came up with the perfect rejection line, and I did not send it. I certainly will not share it here, because what good could it do?

Oh wait, I thought of some good that it could do! It might make you laugh. It certainly made me laugh. What the hell, the bridge is already a heap of smoking ruins, right? Here it is:

"Hey Rob, do you want the cold brew coffee maker that you gave me many years ago?"

"No, thank you. I have no use for it now. Why don't you put it in the recycling? That way, it would be symbolic of how you treated our friendship."

Don't worry, he won't be offended. I doubt that he will even read it. If he were to find this Roblog post I doubt that he would make it past the 2nd paragraph that brings up RICC. He might not even make it past the second paragraph, in which I mention "listening to Muslim women." He has the kind of faith that allows him to reject people. (Strike this. I am not describing what's happening in someone else's head.)

But just in case: If you are reading this, former pastor of RICC, you told me at one point that you hoped and believed reconciliation was possible. I firmly believe that it is. But you have to acknowledge that reconciliation does not mean that the powerless person submits to the powerful person. You are thinking of "submission," a popular word with the leadership of RICC. I would also like for you to consider the many people who left RICC under your tenure, and consider that maybe the problem is not that they were offended by the gospel.

Maybe they were offended at the lack of the gospel. 

I could say more. There's 10 years worth of more. But the scab is flaking off of the wound, and the wound is looking more like a scar. Scars are part of who we are, and I will always be grateful to God for that. 

One more audience member to address: if you are a member of RICC, and this all seems like something I just made up, I get it. I promise you, I am not a petty, vindictive person. If you want to understand my point of view, I will be happy to meet with you, answer any questions you have. Actually, that offer stands for the leaders of RICC as well. At RICC there was a common story that that this person or that person "just disappeared." "He blocked me on Kakaotalk." "She stopped responding to messages." "I don't know what happened."

I told them that I would not just disappear, and I didn't. I have not blocked anyone, or changed my phone number or Kakaotalk. I guess I'm just not worth the effort of crossing the road for.

If you would rather avoid me, and tell yourself that "Rob just disappeared," that's fine, too. But if you find yourself looking around at how RICC works and thinking that something is not quite right, rest assured that you are not crazy. If you wonder, "Is this how other churches do leadership?" the answer is no. Not healthy churches anyway. 

Talk to someone outside. It doesn't have to be me. 

But if you want to talk to someone who has been through the grinder, you can email me at robsack at gmail.com, or find me as robsack on Kakaotalk.

Fasting through Finals

This week is final exam week at Kyungsung. I will be listening to about six hours of conversation between freshmen students of English as a Foreign Language, and I have at least two and a half hours of one-on-one interviews scheduled with my Building Relationships in English students. It's not bad compared to last semester, when I had about 16 hours of conversation to listen to, and didn't even try to do the one-on-one interviews.

Yesterday (Monday) was the final meeting of the year for the Busan Doctors' Band, of which I am a non-doctor member. They treated us to a huge sushi and pizza (not sushi-pizza) dinner. An odd combination, but one which they have embraced for some years. The restaurant where we eat has come to expect it, and doesn't seem to mind. After all, they have a room full of eating, drinking customers (there must have been two dozen of us) on a Monday evening. 

I ate a lot, but not a crazy amount. I had only eaten a pair of boiled eggs for lunch that day, and no breakfast. I was hungry, but mostly in anticipation of a great meal. I had also decided that for this week of final exams, the Doctors' Band Feast would be my last meal until Friday evening (though now I am thinking Saturday lunch). I am doing it partly for my health, and partly to boost me through this week. 

I know that today will be a little rough, especially at dinner time, but I am absolutely sure that I can do it. I've already made the decision, now it's just a follow-through of basically NOT eating. This will be my second 5-day Fast (assuming I last until Saturday dinner), so I have some idea of what to expect: today should be the worst of the hunger. It's not bad now, but tonight I'll hit the 24-hour mark and feel it the strongest. Tomorrow won't be as bad, and Thursday the hunger will be background noise, like the heater kicking on in January. "Oh yeah, I'm hungry. What's next on the to-do list?" On the physical side, this one will probably drop me under 100 kg, which is less than I have weighed since before I got married (in 2001!). It's exciting to think that I may get there this week, before 2024 is finished! At the end, I will (try to) ease back into eating gracefully. The book (next paragraph) suggested a small snack an hour before taking on an actual meal. We shall see. It does not pay off to think too much about which food I will eat this early in the game. Just makes me hungry. Because once again, hunger is more about the brain than the stomach.

I just finished the book Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting by Jimmy Moore and Jason Fung. My clinic recommended it, and I can hear a lot of their advice echoing from this book.

One of my main takeaways is that obesity is a modern disease, as is Type 2 Diabetes, which I had been queued up to take part in. They are a result of a huge environmental change: for most of history (and prehistory) people (and other animals) went through cycles of feasting and fasting. When you make a big kill, or find a huge honeycomb, or a tree full of ripe fruit, it makes sense to pig out in order to lay up fat stores for the winter, or the desert, or the long voyage. The local prey migrates. A hoard of locusts strips the landscape. Drought wipes out the local vegetation. Winter arrives in Canada. Maybe it's only a day or two, maybe longer. But a fast was always around the next corner, if not the one after that. Fasting was a regular part of life, and we are designed for it.

We (modern humans) understand this about exercise. We know (whether or not we act on it) that exercise is good for our health, even though we don't need to be able to run away from a tiger or climb a tree when the jackals come or swim out of the water before the shark gets you. We know that without exercise, the body falls into disrepair, the brain doesn't work as it should, and the emotions get messy. So we (hopefully) make time to walk, or go to the gym, or do yoga or whatever. At the very least, we have been taught that it's a good idea to do so.

But we act as though fasting were dangerous. We have built an environment in which we expose ourselves to feasts daily, but treat fasting as an evil. Three meals a day, never skipping. Snacks in between. Do we need that much food? Certainly not for nutrition or energy. Not unless you are training for a marathon or the Olympics. But eating feels good, right? Eating is comforting. Eating relieves stress. God knows it is for me. 

Some people have adapted to this environment better than others, for sure. But in general, humans don't deal well with feasts being available 24/7. I can find a convenience store or restaurant or grocery store at any time of day, and I have access to refrigerators and cabinets stocked with food that would have blown my ancestors away, as recently as a hundred years ago. Sure, there have always been people at the top with ready access to food, but they were the minority. We have all become that minority.

I believe that this is a hugely important lesson in general health, and that it will have at least the same impact as deliberate exercise has had on society. Maybe more. But it has one disadvantage over the exercise insight: it's hard to make money off of fasting. Sure, I paid $9 for a book about it, and I pay/have paid my clinic for their consultation and monitoring. But I don't need to buy special clothes for fasting. (Smaller clothes at some point, for sure. I'm ready to abandon some of my shirts, and have already left behind some pants.) I don't need to go to a special place for fasting. I don't need to do any special shopping: I buy a little more coffee than usual, and drink hot salt water. It really cuts back on my food budget when I fast, and I don't come anywhere near making up for it when I go back to eating. In fact, my appetite in general is lower.

So no one can make much money off of this (yeah, I bought the book for $10, but I'm not going to buy it again), and the companies who sell me food would lose money. That is where we will see (and have seen) push-back: Big Food doesn't want us to buy less, they want us to buy more. Big Pharma makes money hand over fist selling insulin. Do they want you to know that fasting is an effective way to CURE diabetes? Hell no! (By the way, if you are taking insulin or other medicine for diabetes, don't try fasting without consulting your doctor! There are some potential problems on that journey and you should not take medical advice from a guy with a blog!)

Here's a whole aside paragraph for pre-diabetic people: if you fast for 24 hours (no food between dinner one day and the next) your blood sugar will not drop significantly, because your liver stores up sugars for between meals. However, your pancreas will get a mini-vacation from producing insulin. That break can be the beginning of getting back to a healthy normal. Can you go for 24 hours with no food? Yes. Will you be hungry? Yes. But like any discomfort, you will get more comfortable with it. I am learning to be comfortable with hunger after a lifetime of not tolerating it any longer than necessary. And it is doing me good.

If fasting catches on, the push-back from industry will get more intense. Especially if you live in a country where the people making the most money have the biggest say in the laws of the land. (Which, to the best of my knowledge is every country. Though some take their citizens' health more seriously than others.)

I have more to say about this. My intention was to write about a spiritual aspect of fasting, but I got distracted, so I'll leave you with this:

Drinking only coffee today, with no food, I have gotten a stack of grading done, administered some final exams, updated some lessons, and written a blog post. And it's only 1:00 p.m. This is not the old, eat-when-I'm-hungry me! I feel like Super-Rob! I know that if I eat a snack it will wake up my digestive system, which will demand a meal. If I give in and have lunch (or dinner), it will leave me sluggish and ready to be entertained. Best case scenario I read a book. Worst case, Netflix or YouTube for a couple of hours, then drag through a tiny bit of work, then head home.

On the other hand, if I continue this fast I will wake up sharp tomorrow. I won't need as much bathroom time, I will be more cheerful, focused, and awesome. I might finish my grades in record time and start the planning I need to do for next semester. I never, ever thought I would say this, but I enjoy fasting, and it is clearly benefiting me!

I have other things to write about, such as being Santa Claus. But that will have to wait for another time.